Heart drop
Plummet fear through claustrophobic
Hospital walls closing in
Time has hands that travels in circles
I question my humanity as I wait
Senseless hands click hours and minutes
Droning,
My humanity answers in relentless throbs
The back of my neck curls into a fist and shakes its disgust at the world
When the body breaks
We wait for answers to the tune of of trepidation
Drip dripping from an IV
My eyes leaking my humanity –
A gift ? It scorns me
In these white hospital walls
Blending
A debacle of invalids lined up in a row
When the body breaks
This humanity becomes a series of numbers on a screen
Blood is sucked into tiny little vials
Rich red with possibility
Machines take my hands
Cradled inside a metal cacoon whirring intelligible clicks and knocks
I am anchored to my breath
Exhaling through the metal cage locked right around my scrunched eyes and white face
The machine marching band blurts a A tuba, a drill, high pitched mechanical groan
I count seconds to the erratic rhythm and imagine the most beautiful picture of my brain painted on pale medical paper
Paintbrush delicately gliding over the occipital lobe , vision
The faces of those I love blend and blur
The soft bristles curl around the top of the temporal lobe filling in my ability to hear, form memory and meaning, language
the parietal lobe comes into swatched existence , connected with branched nerve endings related to concrete senses, soft touches, delicious flavours
Splashing hue’s across the page
My beautiful brain shimmers wet and warm
Grinding gears slow to stop
With one last whirring click I am birthed from within the metal beast and set free,
Returned to more tests of my humanity –
This cage!
When the body breaks
Fade back into the blurry pressure cooker of pain
Inter-cranial hypertension
Feels like thousands of gallons of water crushing my skull from within
Sucking air from my lungs and leeching energy
When the body breaks
Sinking deeper
Drooping darker
I dream of shattering
Popping
Exploding
Into thousands of tiny pieces
I cling to hope
And the belief of a body that serves its purpose
Even when
That body breaks
