My friend once told me
When I was trying to stop drinking
She looked at me and said
You know your personality really POPs
When you drink
You really start to shine
And I knew it wasn’t a lie
I’d also heard the phrase before
I drank as if to save the world from drowning and I always related to this sentiment as I lifted bottles to my lips
But I knew in that instant that I didn’t drink to save anyone
But myself
Because without the 35% in my system
I’m not flat anymore
All my potential becomes untapped
My clipped wings can unfurl
And I can fly
And that I realized is also a lie
A lie that I believed for so long
And it’s okay it wasn’t wrong
Just where I was and what I had to do
Cause and effect
Desperate actions cause for desperate measures
All behaviour has consequences
It’s fucking gravity
What goes up must come down and just like the throes of an incredibly unhealthy relationship
It all came crashing down
Around me
To suffocate and drown me
Oh how I loved what it gave me and hated how it would take from me
Every once in a while I emerge from the haze and confusion
A ground hog
Smelling the air for spring
For hope
For a second chance
But that truth bus slams on the gas
And hit’s me full force
Not a Mini Cooper
Or a smart car
But a fucking semi truck of reality
And that reality ?
Too painful to process
To bitter to sit in
So I hold my breath and dive back under
All I can do is wonder
When
I’ll be
Able
To
Really
Live
Again.
