The Story of How My Relationship Died and I Found Pride.

I was trapped and confined 

Convinced by the lie 

That I could not, 

Would not 

Survive without you .

You swept in to save me, 

My hero without a cape 

But your mask quickly became sinister 

As everything you did for me – 

I forgot how to do myself. 

I became weak and ashamed 

I blamed Everyone 

But mostly you 

And myself. 

What blatant stupidity, our inability to accept

Who we were.

The lack of compatibility, 

I was so afraid of the pain, 

when I imagined you ripping yourself away. 

We had tried so hard,

That our sheer strength of will formed stitches that sewed us together 

When you finally did tear away 

It was violent –

Could it have been any other way ?

I could not see the courage it took 

To resist and walk away. 

The ship had sunk along time ago 

But I couldn’t,

Wouldn’t see it and I was ready to drown. 

I forgot that I could swim, 

I am forgetful,

And you did it for me for so long. 

I’ve never felt such agony,

Such suffering bubbling inside me. 

I am shocked still

and breathless at the strength and intensity 

In which I experience my pain.

I could not comprehend that it could end 

So I prepared myself to learn to live 

With that darkness inside me,

and around me.

I could not 

Would not

So I went away –

But not the vacation kind of getaway 

The Terrible kind

Where you throw yourself at the mercy 

Of your full potential to destruct. 

The anger fuels your ability to fight the fear 

You Ignore your bodies instinctual desire to


If it’s fast enough when the time arrives

The end will come before you can realize and take

It back –  

Or beg for A second chance.

I pictured my body as a beaker

And started combining substances inside me,

Doing my own experiments. 

I was A kid swallowing Pepsi and peppermints,

Waiting patiently to explode.

I was Eager to drown out those intrusive thoughts and unbearable feelings

That have never showed any sign of healing 

Yet –  

I didn’t get upset when I woke up 

And the reality surrounded me,

Something was missing! 

There was an absence

Of pain 

In my heart and my gut. 

And in the hole between my ribs that was once 

Pulsing raw And aching 

Vulnerable and anybody’s for the taking.

I can still remember awaking, 

And the recognition 

That the talk of your name didn’t

Bring stabbing pains to my chest! 

That evening me and my many pieces all

Danced together 

To recognize that I had to tear 

So I could

Heal stronger and better 

And I’m learning how to

Weather a storm. 

I thought maybe the drugs caused the changes

That I see 

But I must face the reality 

I have to re learn how to

Swim or walk 

On my own again,

That’s where I found

My will to live,

The taste of independence  –

High on the idea

That I survived what I didn’t

Think I could survive 

And came out alive and

Even happier !!

Ready to

Excel and thrive. 

Something has begun to light up

Inside me as I learn to

let go of the carcass that I was 

And embrace my potential.

I am now

Unafraid to hide

This new feeling I’m learning called pride 😊

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