I was trapped and confined
Convinced by the lie
That I could not,
Would not
Survive without you .
You swept in to save me,
My hero without a cape
But your mask quickly became sinister
As everything you did for me –
I forgot how to do myself.
I became weak and ashamed
I blamed Everyone
But mostly you
And myself.
What blatant stupidity, our inability to accept
Who we were.
The lack of compatibility,
I was so afraid of the pain,
when I imagined you ripping yourself away.
We had tried so hard,
That our sheer strength of will formed stitches that sewed us together
When you finally did tear away
It was violent –
Could it have been any other way ?
I could not see the courage it took
To resist and walk away.
The ship had sunk along time ago
But I couldn’t,
Wouldn’t see it and I was ready to drown.
I forgot that I could swim,
I am forgetful,
And you did it for me for so long.
I’ve never felt such agony,
Such suffering bubbling inside me.
I am shocked still
and breathless at the strength and intensity
In which I experience my pain.
I could not comprehend that it could end
So I prepared myself to learn to live
With that darkness inside me,
and around me.
I could not
Would not
So I went away –
But not the vacation kind of getaway
The Terrible kind
Where you throw yourself at the mercy
Of your full potential to destruct.
The anger fuels your ability to fight the fear
You Ignore your bodies instinctual desire to
Survive
If it’s fast enough when the time arrives
The end will come before you can realize and take
It back –
Or beg for A second chance.
I pictured my body as a beaker
And started combining substances inside me,
Doing my own experiments.
I was A kid swallowing Pepsi and peppermints,
Waiting patiently to explode.
I was Eager to drown out those intrusive thoughts and unbearable feelings
That have never showed any sign of healing
Yet –
I didn’t get upset when I woke up
And the reality surrounded me,
Something was missing!
There was an absence
Of pain
In my heart and my gut.
And in the hole between my ribs that was once
Pulsing raw And aching
Vulnerable and anybody’s for the taking.
I can still remember awaking,
And the recognition
That the talk of your name didn’t
Bring stabbing pains to my chest!
That evening me and my many pieces all
Danced together
To recognize that I had to tear
So I could
Heal stronger and better
And I’m learning how to
Weather a storm.
I thought maybe the drugs caused the changes
That I see
But I must face the reality
I have to re learn how to
Swim or walk
On my own again,
That’s where I found
My will to live,
The taste of independence –
High on the idea
That I survived what I didn’t
Think I could survive
And came out alive and
Even happier !!
Ready to
Excel and thrive.
Something has begun to light up
Inside me as I learn to
let go of the carcass that I was
And embrace my potential.
I am now
Unafraid to hide
This new feeling I’m learning called pride 😊
