At the beginning of January my life changed drastically. I had been living as an alcoholic for about 3 years. I was mired deep in my addiction. I was a mother to two beautiful children and in an incredibly unhealthy relationship. When my relationship crashed and burned I realized in my state I could not properly care for 2 young children on my own. My children moved in with my parents on January 10, 2020. It hurt so much. My house was empty and I was completely alone with my pain and shame. I drank harder to try and cope and started to use hard drugs as well. February, March and April were a blur. I threw myself into my addiction in an attempt to numb my pain. I wouldn’t eat or sleep for up to 10 days at a time. When I would finally crash I would sleep for 2-3 days eating madly whenever I awoke and then as soon as I felt human, I would repeat the process. I thought it was too late for me. I was acutely aware of the toll my lifestyle was taking on my body and I felt there was no hope. Then something started to change in my heart. I was so trapped and so miserable but i didn’t want to be that way anymore. I started writing poems about my feelings and shame. Through this poetry I started to heal and grow and forgive myself. I connected with ADGS and filled out my GAINS-Q to be eligible for a treatment center in June. I also started to pray. Instead of running and burying my feelings with drugs I would pray and feel and pray and cry and pray. I was working hard using the 4 D’s to cut back my substance use that still remained. In October I moved into a new apartment. A fresh start where I could make new habits and create a new beginning for myself. I was still using tobacco and marijuana & occasionally binging with alcohol. I was struggling to find the motivation to quit completely. I suffered a concussion at the beginning of November. Sometimes it feels like God reached down and BONKED me on the head. The pain was excruciating and bizarre and disorienting. It took 3 weeks and many emergency room trips to diagnose that it was even a concussion, after all, that I was experiencing. Coughing from my extra curricular activities aggravated my symptoms and the fear and discomfort motivated me to make that final leap to complete sobriety. The concussion really affected my vision. I could not use my eyes or be in the light for 2 months. When I stopped the rest of the substances the withdrawal coupled with fear around death and pain plunged me into absolute terror and despair. I really 100% believed I was dying. It seemed right and fair after all the wrong I had done. I wanted to trust God and believe that even I was forgiven. I surrendered again and again. I started taking a mood stabilizer and just focused on building every day around listening and responding to my body. I practiced deep breathing, paired muscle relaxation, patience, and prayer. I listened to Broken Things, by Matthew West on repeat and whispered the lyrics to myself for comfort : If grace was a kingdom with gates open wide, there is room at the table, so come on inside.
I am over 2 months clean and sober and I will be receiving my intake to a woman’s treatment program this month. At times my concussion flares up but I can use my eyes to read the bible now and paint and write. God has transformed my life and I am so incredibly thankful.
