If You Could See Me Now

past and future

I constantly

Have to turn my head

From the past

& what has passed.

My feet must be firmly planted

In the present

But there are strings of resentment

That are tying me down,

Pulling me back.

There is a soundtrack

That still plays

I am learning how

To be alright with that,

If you could see me now –

You would see

Who I always was –

But forgot for a time.

If you could see me now

You would see me draw a line

Or a boundary around myself

To protect what is mine

You would see courage and health

Consistency, reliability

My recovery

Speaks for itself –

Its voice

Is assertive & clear

I am NO longer ruled by fear

If you could see me now

You would hear

My stubborn J O Y

In every word that falls from my lips

In every piece of art that manifests from my fingertips

In the way that I fight furiously

To try and forgive


If you could see me now….

But this door is closed.

It must remain that way,

To open it would be making shades of gray

Out of what is so crystal clear

I don’t play with fire anymore

Even a better me

Cannot change what has come before

I can only accept

And let your memory die

It is time to say goodbye

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