How it Began

When I was 13

Everything started to change

I was filled with a hatred I couldn’t explain

My body, soul, & mind

Were consumed with emotions

That I couldn’t find,

reasons to match.

I didn’t understand

And all my plans

Flew out the window

Without a second glance.

I was tossed violently in the waves of what I felt

And as I lurched from high to low

Barely staying afloat

I watched those I loved

Standing on the shoreline

Getting smaller & smaller

As I drifted farther and farther away.

I felt alone –

Boxed in by imaginary walls

Built from distorted thoughts

And excess emotions.

Everyone around who cared

Ached with me

Ached for me

As I fought an enemy I could not see,

An enemy inside me –

The enemy WAS me

And I started to hate that part of me

But I didn’t know how to hate just part –

So I hated all!

I believed I was damaged,

Broken,

Useless,

Hopeless,

Worthless.

I couldn’t control the things I felt

So I would lash out

And then be racked with guilt.

In my self loathing

I would self destruct

Burning friendships & bridges

& anything I touched.

When I was up I was alive!

I was wired for sound

Spinning faster & faster until I came crashing down –

Where I’d slip into a sadness so deep and profound

That I felt I was wading through water

In my mind

And my thoughts were so constantly dark

That I just wanted to hide.

There wasnt room for it all in my brain

So it came leaking out into my body

& I felt physical pain

In the whole between my ribs

In my stomach

Behind my eyes.

My brain whispered lies –

That I was a l o n e….

I would sleep for days in a medicated haze

Because at least when I was asleep –

I felt nothing,

And for a moment

When I opened my eyes

Before the waves of reality came crashing in around me

To suffocate and drown me

I’d be the girl I was before.