When I was 13
Everything started to change
I was filled with a hatred I couldn’t explain
My body, soul, & mind
Were consumed with emotions
That I couldn’t find,
reasons to match.
I didn’t understand
And all my plans
Flew out the window
Without a second glance.
I was tossed violently in the waves of what I felt
And as I lurched from high to low
Barely staying afloat
I watched those I loved
Standing on the shoreline
Getting smaller & smaller
As I drifted farther and farther away.
I felt alone –
Boxed in by imaginary walls
Built from distorted thoughts
And excess emotions.
Everyone around who cared
Ached with me
Ached for me
As I fought an enemy I could not see,
An enemy inside me –
The enemy WAS me
And I started to hate that part of me
But I didn’t know how to hate just part –
So I hated all!
I believed I was damaged,
Broken,
Useless,
Hopeless,
Worthless.
I couldn’t control the things I felt
So I would lash out
And then be racked with guilt.
In my self loathing
I would self destruct
Burning friendships & bridges
& anything I touched.
When I was up I was alive!
I was wired for sound
Spinning faster & faster until I came crashing down –
Where I’d slip into a sadness so deep and profound
That I felt I was wading through water
In my mind
And my thoughts were so constantly dark
That I just wanted to hide.
There wasnt room for it all in my brain
So it came leaking out into my body
& I felt physical pain
In the whole between my ribs
In my stomach
Behind my eyes.
My brain whispered lies –
That I was a l o n e….
I would sleep for days in a medicated haze
Because at least when I was asleep –
I felt nothing,
And for a moment
When I opened my eyes
Before the waves of reality came crashing in around me
To suffocate and drown me
I’d be the girl I was before.
This is so deep, and I felt like I was there floating in the darkness with you, not in the beginning, but after we met – when it was happening, and again as I read this.
Now the sun is shining, and the waters are bright and alive.